1 00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:05,637 Oh, my god! ( panting ) 2 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,308 Aliens are not Like that. 3 00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:13,311 Oh, the senseless Violence. 4 00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:16,148 - the mindless gore. - the incredible Sound system. 5 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:19,217 There must have been 30 speakers in that place. That movie kicked butt. 6 00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:21,219 - ( groans ) - how can you say that? 7 00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:23,188 They portrayed aliens As vicious monsters. 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,424 They blew up The department Of transportation. 9 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,793 Do you mind? We haven't seen The movie yet. 10 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:30,395 What do I care? I don't even Know you. 11 00:00:30,397 --> 00:00:32,397 Don't you think It was cool 12 00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:35,566 When that thing's tongue Split open and strangled Those eight army guys? 13 00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:37,636 - okay, that Was cool... - yeah. 14 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,971 But only that, And only because It made me scream 15 00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,040 Like a little girl. 16 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,176 They have to make The aliens scary. That's entertainment. 17 00:00:45,178 --> 00:00:49,013 Sucking the brains out Of all those zoo animals Is not entertainment. 18 00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:51,016 Man Hey, up there, Shut up! 19 00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,785 - ( all agreeing ) - man 20 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,755 It's how these people Think of us. 21 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,557 They didn't care whether The aliens were good or bad. They wanted them dead. 22 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:03,194 What am I going to do? Mary-- she's already Seen this movie. 23 00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:06,732 So? She doesn't know You're an alien. Does she? 24 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,666 - oh, please. - does she? 25 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:11,269 I said, "Oh, please." Isn't that enough? 26 00:01:11,271 --> 00:01:14,673 - both: does she? - no! 27 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,841 Attention, Ticket holders! 28 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:19,344 Listen up. At the end Of the movie, 29 00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:22,180 - when the president Turns out to be an alien-- - ( man groans ) 30 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:24,416 Yeah-- 31 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,852 And he barbecues All the congressmen, 32 00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,789 Don't believe it Because aliens Hate barbecue. 33 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,925 - if you don't shut up, I'm going to kill you. - all righty. 34 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,761 - and that goes For all of you. - did you hear that guy? 35 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:40,398 - he hasn't seen the movie, and He already wants to kill us. - we are in trouble. 36 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,135 We've got to lay low Until this mania Passes over. 37 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:46,705 - maybe build a bunker. - no! We can't hide. 38 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,374 I say we come out Of the bunker And into the street. 39 00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:53,145 I say we hold An alien pride parade. 40 00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,647 We'll all Get together, 41 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:58,083 And we'll prove That we're all-- 42 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,286 Humans. 43 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,255 ( '50s rock music playing ) 44 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:35,220 Hello. "Rutherford bugle"? 45 00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,956 I'd like to speak To your film critic, Please. 46 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,958 Oh. Well, then, Will you tell him 47 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,027 That I just saw "Dawn of the aliens," And it was not wham-bam? 48 00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:46,131 It was not a slam dunk. I was never on the edge Of my seat. 49 00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,366 And the special Effects did not make My eyes pop out. 50 00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:54,005 - there's no cream in here! - well, you don't have to Bite my head off. 51 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,509 Nina, we don't Do that. 52 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,713 - hello, dick. - oh, mary. 53 00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:05,550 You notice how I'm being gentle 54 00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:09,187 And not squeezing your body Until your spleen shoots Out of your mouth? 55 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,289 Yes, I noticed that. 56 00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:14,693 Thank you. Oh! Speaking Of spleens, 57 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,928 Did you see "Dawn of the aliens"? 58 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:20,165 - wasn't that movie great? - it was two hours And four minutes 59 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:23,168 Of horrible, Horrible lies. 60 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,970 - I liked it. - me, too. I was on The edge of my seat. 61 00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,972 They portray aliens 62 00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:30,642 As hideous, Evil mutants. 63 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,877 Why can't they be sweet And well-mannered? 64 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,880 I don't pay seven bucks To see an alien play With a puppy. 65 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,816 At that price He better eat it. 66 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:46,090 Tommy? Tommy, 67 00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:49,494 They're having A sci-fi convention In cleveland. 68 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:52,731 "Meet all the aliens From your favorite Tv shows and movies. 69 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,066 And 'star trek's' Mr. Sulu, george takei, 70 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,401 Will be signing copies Of his new book, 71 00:03:57,403 --> 00:04:00,839 'warp speed, damn it: The complete rants Of william shatner.'" 72 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:05,443 This would be A perfect place to help People understand 73 00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:08,613 How wrong Their impressions Of us aliens are. 74 00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:11,983 Or we could just Blow the whole Damn place up. 75 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:15,420 - ( vacuum humming ) - would you guys lift Your feet, please? 76 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,689 Lift your feet. Lift feet! 77 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,060 What's your problem? 78 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,562 Sally, turn off Your sucking device. 79 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,565 ( vacuum stops ) 80 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,600 What is it? 81 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,637 I need your support. I have made the most Difficult decision 82 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,638 I've had to make since Coming to this planet. 83 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,740 You're giving up Tighty whities 84 00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:37,742 And switching To boxers? 85 00:04:37,744 --> 00:04:39,777 No! 86 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:43,481 It's not about Underwear, harry, 87 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:46,318 - although I Have switched. - no! 88 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,721 I've decided To tell mary 89 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,723 That I am what Humans would call, 90 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,492 In their Galactocentric way, 91 00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,327 - an alien. - harry: no! 92 00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:58,330 Are you crazy? Why are you Doing this? 93 00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,498 You've never Blown your cover On any other mission. 94 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,500 I've never felt The need to. 95 00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,770 - I keep having These feelings. - ai-yi-yi. 96 00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:10,675 It's this fleshy Human slipcover. 97 00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:13,044 Oh, sure, it's Dashing, tall, 98 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,279 Manly, 99 00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:17,715 Washable, 100 00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:20,184 But somehow it just Makes me feel so awful 101 00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:22,187 About deceiving The woman I love. 102 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:25,690 All right, look. Let's just think This thing through, okay? 103 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,692 I'll be her. Here I am. 104 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,728 I'm mary, sitting At my desk. 105 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,064 Now, you come in And tell me. 106 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,872 Hello, mary. 107 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,874 Dick. 108 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,909 You look Handsome today. 109 00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:47,345 And you look More beautiful Than ever. 110 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,015 - ( sally screams ) - whoa! 111 00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:55,620 All right, All right, okay. Let's just start over. 112 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,559 ( sniffs ) 113 00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:07,165 - hello, mary. - dick! 114 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,135 I can't kiss you Today because I've got the flu. 115 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,471 As do I. 116 00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:16,041 Mary, I am An alien. 117 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,048 She's dead! 118 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:28,753 You killed her, You alien bastard! 119 00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:30,755 Why? 120 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:34,159 - why?! - this is nonsense! I'm going to tell her. 121 00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:36,661 - you're going To get us all killed. - I'm only telling one person. 122 00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,663 Sir, as security officer, I forbid it. 123 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:42,100 And, as high commander, I have to say tough Toenails, lieutenant. 124 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,102 Fine. Let it be On your head. 125 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:47,939 Which is going to be sitting Next to ours on a tray Somewhere in new mexico. 126 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,108 I am telling you, Humans cannot handle This kind of information. 127 00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:53,678 Mary can. 128 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,781 I just have to find The right setting, The right atmosphere 129 00:06:56,783 --> 00:07:00,118 Where the elegant beauty Of our magnificent Surroundings 130 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,121 Help her to embrace The truth and me. 131 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,290 They're having A sci-fi convention In cleveland. 132 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,060 Perfect! Pack your bags, kids. 133 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,029 - we're going On a road trip. - sweet. 134 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,970 ( overlapping dialogue ) 135 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,972 - ooh! - oh! 136 00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,841 Ahh! ( gasps ) 137 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,876 Look at this place. 138 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,645 ( gasps ) Our first hotel room. 139 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:30,115 Wow! Why do I suddenly Have the urge 140 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,016 To trash it? 141 00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:34,986 Hey, you guys, Look at this tiny bottle 142 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:37,522 I found In the bathroom. 143 00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:40,091 Evidence of A superior race 144 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,527 Of tiny people. 145 00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:44,528 How can you tell They're superior? 146 00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:48,099 Because it's a shampoo And conditioner in one. 147 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,434 Ah. 148 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:53,104 ( gasps ) A tiny fridge 149 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,439 Filled with tiny Bottles of alcohol 150 00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:58,542 - and tiny bags Of macadamia nuts! - wow! 151 00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:01,179 These people might Be tiny, but they Know how to party. 152 00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:03,715 How do they get up On the bed, 153 00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:07,384 Especially when They're all drunk And fat on nuts? 154 00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,793 Just tell me when. 155 00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,795 - when. - when I've poured enough 156 00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:20,632 To slake your thirst For champagne. 157 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:23,768 - when. - whenever your Heart desires. 158 00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,503 - when, stop, now. - now? 159 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,439 Yeah, yes, Now, now! 160 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,310 Half a bottle For one glass. 161 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,546 You are a wild woman, 162 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,547 But then I accept that. 163 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:40,051 I may be wild, But I'm not Going to bite. 164 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,887 And neither will I, And that's the whole point. 165 00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:44,956 There will be no biting, No bloodletting, 166 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,857 No cranial explosions. 167 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,560 What's with you? 168 00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:52,397 All right, mary, You've sniffed me out. 169 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,500 I brought you here Under the guise Of a romantic holiday 170 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,002 To tell you something About myself. 171 00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:00,171 This is very difficult. 172 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,907 I-- I don't want You to judge me. 173 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,842 I never judge you. 174 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,647 Sometimes I do. Often. 175 00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:12,450 Always. I'll try not to This time. 176 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:15,153 Mary, before I met you, 177 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,155 I was completely Different. 178 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,257 I was far, far away From here. 179 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,426 And ever since I left that place, 180 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,062 I've been fighting So hard to fit in. 181 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,098 And if ever Anyone found out, I'd have to go back 182 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,368 Because I could never live In this world any longer. 183 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,370 Oh, dick, 184 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,472 Were you In a... Clinic? 185 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,745 - clinic? - it's okay. 186 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,780 So was I. 187 00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,715 Oh! 188 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,502 - ( alarm blares, stops ) - wake up, everybody! 189 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,872 We're going to The sci-fi convention. 190 00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:10,875 ( imitates laser gun blast, Heart beating ) 191 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,816 What's so important about This sci-fi convention? 192 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,150 Don't you see? It's a perfect Opportunity 193 00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:22,152 To take a stand, 194 00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:25,022 To protest how The rest of the world Is treating our kind. 195 00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:27,492 You want to be Some kind of alien Martin luther king? 196 00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,928 Exactly, 197 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:33,497 Because I, too, Have a dream, 198 00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:35,733 And in that dream I'm naked 199 00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:37,769 On a ferris wheel. 200 00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:41,505 I'll meet you guys In the lobby. 201 00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:43,575 I'm going to go Make sure dick hasn't Blown our cover. 202 00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:46,011 Sally, there's a note For you on the door. 203 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,581 "Please make up room." 204 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:57,121 All right, I'll do it when We get back. 205 00:10:57,123 --> 00:10:59,791 We're going To the sci-fi Convention! 206 00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:07,164 I've never told Anyone this before, 207 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,735 But when I was A little girl-- Nine, 10... 208 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:13,171 17-- 209 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,706 - I was fat. - how fat? 210 00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:18,375 Fat enough That everybody Made fun of me. 211 00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:20,578 Fat as a cow? Is that how fat? 212 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,714 - that's not important. - right, sorry. You go on. 213 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:26,017 Anyway, instead of Reaching out for help, 214 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,153 I turned inward And became bitter 215 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,255 And disillusioned With the world Around me. 216 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,824 - 300 pounds? 400-- - dick! 217 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,892 Sorry. 218 00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:38,062 My parents just Made it worse. 219 00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,565 They had this notion That I was going to be 220 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,567 An olympic Figure skater. 221 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,503 They forced me Into a leotard. 222 00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:49,206 I looked like a sausage In purple velour casing. 223 00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:52,643 And when I skated, They called me The zamboni. 224 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,481 Then one day I-- I cracked. 225 00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:00,651 - the ice? - mentally! 226 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:04,289 - I cracked mentally. - mentally, mentally. 227 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:08,059 My parents sent me To a special place-- 228 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,194 Camp knock-a-lot- Of-weight-off. 229 00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:12,163 Mary, that is Just terrible. 230 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:15,766 - I'm so sorry. - no, no, it's Fine, really. 231 00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:18,569 Thanks for letting me Confide in you. 232 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,239 Now, why were you In a clinic? 233 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,209 Oh, uh, well, Funny story. 234 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:28,379 I was, uh... How can I put this? 235 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,114 - not. - what?! 236 00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:32,550 - here goes. I am-- - ( knocking ) 237 00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:35,920 Just hold That thought. Sally! 238 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,956 I need to talk To dick in private. 239 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,658 Don't you have some girly Thing you need to do In the bathroom? 240 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,893 - no. - then just go Sit in there. 241 00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:44,929 - excuse me? - you're excused. 242 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,298 What, uh-- Well! 243 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,667 - ( whispers ) - shh! 244 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:52,269 - ( door closes ) - I was this close To pouring my heart out. 245 00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:55,907 - then I arrived in time. - she just told me one Of her deepest secrets. 246 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,242 - she used to be fat. - fat as a cow? 247 00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:01,412 - that's not the point. - the point is, she Can't keep a secret. 248 00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:04,582 Tell her, the next thing You know, the air force has Sealed off the neighborhood. 249 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,984 That's a risk I'm willing to take. 250 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,820 How about this one? You tell her you're An alien, 251 00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:12,290 And she freaks out, Runs away, 252 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,292 And you never see Her again, ever. 253 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,329 Oh... 254 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,798 In my scenario, She comes running Into my arms. 255 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,633 Well, 256 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:26,237 That's just a risk You're going to Have to take... 257 00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:27,838 Alien. 258 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,992 - it is fascinating, Though, isn't it? - what? 259 00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:51,563 How these people Fulfill their lives Through fantasy. 260 00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:54,032 It's like those guys That spend all Of their time 261 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,467 Reading those Fake letters In "Penthouse." 262 00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,069 They're fake? 263 00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:02,373 Can you imagine what These people would do 264 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,642 If they met An actual alien? 265 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,944 They would Completely freak out. 266 00:14:06,946 --> 00:14:10,447 I don't know. In a way, aren't We all aliens? 267 00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:13,450 I mean, we emerge From weightless Environments, 268 00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,486 Seeing everything For the first time 269 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,388 With curious New eyes, 270 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,991 Every emotion brand-new, Always discovering, 271 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,659 Always learning. 272 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,661 Yeah, you keep Overthinking life. 273 00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:26,531 I'm going to Get a couple Of space churros. 274 00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,668 See? Somebody broke Into the room. 275 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,603 Look at this place. 276 00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:37,241 - looks clean to me. - exactly. 277 00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:40,177 They cleaned everything, Made the beds, Rewrapped the soap, 278 00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:42,479 Sanitized the toilet For my protection. 279 00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:44,548 Look, look, Look, look! 280 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,085 The maid was here. 281 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:50,421 The maid? There's a maid? 282 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,256 Housekeeping. 283 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:54,725 Here. It's a whole book Of services 284 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,660 The hotel has To offer. 285 00:14:57,964 --> 00:15:00,098 Dry cleaning, Wake-up calls, 286 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,000 In-room dining? 287 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,968 Yes, ma'am, Room service. 288 00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,104 Room service? 289 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,743 Room... 290 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,511 Service. 291 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,716 - do you know What this means? - no, ma'am. 292 00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,653 We're in heaven. 293 00:15:21,655 --> 00:15:23,655 You, my good man, are 294 00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:26,023 The assistant manager Of heaven. 295 00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:28,359 - thank you, ma'am. - bye-bye. 296 00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,468 Hi. Yes. 297 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,304 This is sally solomon In room 605. 298 00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:43,474 Can I get A turkey sandwich? 299 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,644 I can? 300 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,746 Can I get 10? 301 00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:55,019 - ( applause ) - live long and prosper. 302 00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:00,992 Hailing frequencies Open, everybody. I'm george takei. 303 00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:09,167 Seeing all of you Here makes me feel Like a kid again, 304 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:12,737 Almost as if, As mr. Sulu once said, 305 00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,839 My chronometer's Running backwards. 306 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:16,941 Ha! 307 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,578 You people are Living a lie. 308 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,513 Look at yourselves, 309 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:25,115 Embracing negative Alien stereotypes. 310 00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:28,519 Did you ever stop To think that maybe Aliens are friendly, 311 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,588 Kind, attractive People? 312 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,990 Uh, security? 313 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,159 Hath not An alien eyes 314 00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,860 Or buttocks? 315 00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:39,363 If you prick an alien, Does it not say 316 00:16:39,365 --> 00:16:41,298 "Ow, ow, ow"? 317 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,701 We should not embrace 318 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,369 Science fiction. 319 00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:47,471 Screw sci-fi. 320 00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:50,407 Instead, we Should embrace 321 00:16:50,409 --> 00:16:53,677 Science fact-- 322 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,513 Sci-fa. 323 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,114 Harry, let's go now. 324 00:16:57,116 --> 00:16:59,550 Long live sci-fa. 325 00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,921 You there, Forget the windows And scrub that sink 326 00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:05,957 Until I see My face in it. Thanks. 327 00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:08,225 - ( knocking ) - oh, coming! 328 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,462 - good afternoon, ma'am. - good afternoon. 329 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,131 - I'm here to pick up Your dry cleaning. - that pile on the luggage. 330 00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,133 Hell, do The luggage, too. 331 00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,469 Sally, I just Feel terrible. 332 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:21,839 Well, you're doing The right thing by not Telling her, honey. 333 00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,841 Darling, when you're done With the bathroom, 334 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,910 Dust the credenza And fertilize The potted plants. 335 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,812 I'm want 'em blooming And making me happy. 336 00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:31,315 I came here With the sole purpose Of coming clean, 337 00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:34,685 - and now I feel so dirty. - just take a bubble bath. 338 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,020 You know, the tub's Got beautifully Positioned jets, 339 00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:39,023 And the shower Turns into a sauna. 340 00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:40,891 "Dirty" was A metaphor. 341 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,394 I'm sure It was, honey. Hi. Yes. 342 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,663 Could we get Some eucalyptus oil Up here 343 00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:49,233 And a couple Of big, fat loofahs? Thanks. 344 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,435 - sally? - hello, boys. 345 00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:55,539 - what's all this stuff? - room... Service. 346 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,611 Both: Room service. 347 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,613 If I want a towel, They send it up. 348 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,682 If I want a radish, They send it up. 349 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,151 They set up a laptop, A fax, a vcr. And why? 350 00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,386 Because until checkout Time tomorrow, 351 00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:11,822 I'm their queen. 352 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,191 - I'm glad you're Having a good time. - I am. 353 00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:17,561 I'll be down in my room. Are these chocolate Truffles? 354 00:18:17,563 --> 00:18:19,497 Hey! Get your own French sampler. 355 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,605 How can you look At yourself? 356 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,240 Deceiving the person You love for the sake Of a mission. 357 00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:32,643 Look at you. 358 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,578 You're gorgeous! 359 00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,316 - mary: did you say something? - oh, no, nothing. 360 00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:42,152 Tell her, tell her. But how? 361 00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,492 Stand back, Earth man, 362 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,996 And prepare to be Demolecularized 363 00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,899 In ways you've Never imagined. 364 00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:57,902 - mary? - I'm not mary. 365 00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:01,171 I am uma From the planet Thurman. 366 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,074 Remove your Earth pants. 367 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,579 Any resistance will Be futile, human. 368 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:11,349 Human. 369 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:14,185 But I'm not human. 370 00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:16,954 I've been Deceiving you. 371 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,956 I'm an alien From a planet 372 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:22,226 In the bard spiral galaxy On the cepheus draco border. 373 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,696 I was sent here By our leader, 374 00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:28,298 The big giant head, To explore this planet. 375 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,269 Dick solomon is Just a facade, 376 00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:35,105 Hiding a quivering Purple tube. 377 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,341 I am the high Commander, 378 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,044 And this... Is my salute. 379 00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:49,186 Oh, really? 380 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:53,223 I have seen Your planet. 381 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:57,294 It is a savage place And must be conquered. 382 00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:59,229 Oh, mary. 383 00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:02,633 - ow! - ow! Oh. 384 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,670 Ow! 385 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:06,636 Oh! 386 00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:11,842 This is harry solomon. I'd like to get Another massage 387 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:14,779 'cause I'm starting To feel a little Tense again. 388 00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,181 Hey, look What I found. 389 00:20:18,183 --> 00:20:20,451 Oh, what is it? 390 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:23,153 It looks like a list Of everything we got While we were here. 391 00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:25,890 Lobster, lobster, Lobster, lobster. 392 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,058 Hey, what's that number There at the bottom? 393 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,895 It's probably The population of Cleveland or something. 394 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,363 That's your bill. 395 00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:40,071 - oh, my god. - no way. 396 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,073 What are we Going to do? 397 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,442 Harry, get me The laptop, The modem, 398 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:47,611 The magnetic strip Key that got us Into this room, 399 00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:49,580 And a shower cap. 400 00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:52,849 Good morning, Mr. Takei. 401 00:20:52,851 --> 00:20:54,851 Good morning. I'm checking out. 402 00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:57,955 Of course. Here's your bill, sir. 403 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,527 $3,000? 404 00:21:03,529 --> 00:21:05,663 Well, that's all right. I can afford it. 405 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,265 I'm a famous actor. 406 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,702 I'm sorry. That's $30,000, Mr. Takei. 407 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,807 Oh, my. 408 00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:26,283 14 bottles of champagne, Shrimp cocktails, 409 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,118 Hummus on pita tips? 410 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,155 Look, I had a toblerone And two ginger ales. 411 00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:33,157 That's it. 412 00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:35,793 Seven massages? How could I get Seven massages? 413 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:38,495 Do I look relaxed? Do I? 414 00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:40,597 What's this? 415 00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:45,969 All right, So I took one towel. 416 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:47,705 One towel. 417 00:21:47,707 --> 00:21:49,673 I'm george takei, Damn it!